I know everyone has probably already seen this, but I wanted to preserve it for myself:

From McSweeney's:

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

td!

pantsie!

 

You notice that on this new "Dirt" show on F/X, Courtney Cox has dropped the Arquette?

Is that George Clooney doing a voice-over for Budweiser?

Well, I don't know if they were there last year and I just never knew it, but both last night and tonight I have found hockey games on my DirecTV. Last night my beloved Devils shutout the Stanley Cup champ 'Canes on Fox Sports South from Raleigh and tonight it's Caps vs 'Canes on Comcast Sports out of Washington. And I thought I would be stuck with only the mostly yucky VS matchups on Tuesday nights.

My man Martin Brodeur tied Terry Sawchuk (!) for 3rd place on the all-time wins list last night, the youngest to ever accomplish this at 34 and in the fewest games at 814. He also tied for third all time shutouts at 81. He was trying to score again last night, too, but didn't. I think Ron Hextall still holds the record for most goals scored by a goalie, but I could be pulling that out of my arse.

I don't know who to root for in this game. I liked the 'Canes last year when they won - and they are from my birth city, but I've been a Caps fan since the beginning of my hockey fandom, before the 'Canes were in Carolina. I guess either one would be good for me. Although right now the Caps' Russians Semin and Ovechkin are on fire and seem to be poised to take the game. The 'Canes seem to have the Cup hangover for sure. I'm sure the ugliest man in hockey, Rod Brind'amour, will whip them into shape.

Who knew Peter Graves was still alive?

Semin just made the hat trick, so this one is over.

ETA: Oh. I actually just read the DirecTV guide and it seems I'm getting some kind of NHL Center Ice free preview through the 10th and that's why I'm getting these games. :( I mean, good for now, but bad for later.

And, PS to ceridon, Gretzky is TOO still coaching the Coyotes. Badly at the moment.

AND, this is so weird, but fun, beause the Ducks/Coyotes game is just the feed, with no commercials, so we hear the Anaheim color guys just making random comments with random video during the usual commercial time. Teemu Selanne is sooo cute.

AAIIIEEE. Ian Walsh is a ref in the N. We HATED him in the E.

So it's good, hanging with my Niggs and Liz and Jay. Working a lot, which is tiring but fun in it's way. Ate at the Greek food festival. All good...( except )

todrs621 and lurker-only on lj, Mary Anne!

Happy Birthday Beethoven. You look good for 235, man.

We came up with the ultimate red-neck sport last night.

BassCar.

pimping Cleolinda’s m15m of Phantom of the Opera.

Happy Birthday to my newest lj-friend, but actually an old friend from my days in Virginia, kip_w!

Also to kansaschica and tigerkitty!

to amergina!

I hope rwl (on the 4th) and nwl (yesterday) had good ones!

They’ve started with the Christmas music on the Musak at work.

Hold me.

I don’t get on the lj much on the weekends, so I wanted to go ahead and wish td a good one tomorrow!

to pantsie! Hope it’s a great one!

to joeker! I guess if you’re going to Atlanta to celebrate, we won’t see you at the party tomorrow night? Have a great birthday!

to wolffepsyche, off on her honeymoon in Gay Paree!